The July Journal

For once I don’t really know how to starting writing this post. I do know that I am not writing this out of sympathy or for attention but more to see if there is someone else out there on the massive inter-webs who feel as though they are in the same position. Today has been spent stuffing my face with various foods that is definitely not healthy for the mind or body, apart from the banana at 2.34pm, and crying to endless Mario and Enrique songs and The Fault In Our Stars. It’s now nearly 7pm and I’m still crying and still feeling alone, lost and confused about everything.

I find it difficult to deal with social situations. Birthday parties lead to panic attacks. Plans changing lead to me worrying what have I done to upset/annoy this person. When I hear the word ‘group interview’ it will make me run a mile. The way I have spent tonight is what I have done for the past week or so. I end up crying because I don’t know who to talk to anymore, I don’t know who I can trust anymore but I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I just feel lost and confused about what my next steps should be.

I have always had a problem making friends. I look at Edd and his circle of friends, not out of jealous but as someone to look up to because he has been lucky enough to have friends for life. You know the ones who went through all their exams, their first girlfriends, engagements, the ups and downs of life. They plan weddings and big life decisions between themselves whereas I’ve had a completely different experience. I was the one who got laughed at for sitting by myself cause I didn’t know how to ‘fit in’ at school. I cried when I got my average GCSE results because I felt deep down that I failed and had no one there to tell me that I’ve done alright and everything will be okay. I’ve had no one to help me through the difficulties of previous relationships or big life decisions. In some respects, it has really shown how anxious I am as a person but in others it has given me some motivation to want to do something with my life.

Don’t get me wrong! I have Sabrina from my previous university but things aren’t the same living in different cities. Hannah, of course, was my best friend but when she past away that brought all my trust issues to the surface. If it weren’t for blogging, I’d probably spend most days sleeping and talking to the dogs. I probably wouldn’t even have Edd in my life. I’m lucky enough to have met some amazing and inspiring people over Twitter but I am far from having the confidence to meet up with them in the flesh if that opportunity ever arose. Sometimes this just isn’t enough though. All you really want is someone who you can call or text and ask if you can meet up.

I want someone who could come round with Ben & Jerry’s, watch endless episodes of Gossip Girl or countless Disney movies until all the ice cream is gone. I would like someone who can just talk to me about what to do when I have a disagreement with Edd, touch wood this never happens. Someone who is full of interesting facts and inspiring life stories.

At the moment, I am dropped out of university for the second time and currently on the look out for one of those average jobs, probably a waitress and shop assistant that will give me the ability to spend money on Lush Bath Bombs and various holidays to give me plenty of thinking space. I have even thought about changing my personality for a while but realised I haven’t got any plans to meet a large group of people at college or university anytime soon so I don’t see the point. I am who I am and I shouldn’t need to change that.

Like I said at the beginning I don’t know where this post is leading but really I just want to vent out on something where no one can judge me, not in person anyway. Your not going to be able to see me cry. Your not here to give me a hug or a shoulder to lean on but if anyone is willing to give me any advice on what my next steps should be that would be brill. Have you been in a similar situation before? Are you feeling the same as me where you are just needing a friend who you can talk to about who the next ‘A’ is in Pretty Little Liars? You may not have even read this post, not fully but if you have I would give you a thousand gold stars or Galaxy Golden Eggs and a massive hug for taking the time out to listen read.

I guess I just want a friend.