I don’t really know where to begin with writing this but I also think it is quite important to write about it and hopefully not be judged or frowned upon by anyone. I am currently sat in bed with a full packet of Oreo’s and a roll of tissue paper just in case this gets a little emotional. You never know this post might not be published for some time after writing it and yes that does mean I have probably edited it so many times, adding information in, removing different parts out – I don’t know but I do know that this needs to be said.
Firstly I would like to start off by saying topics mentioned in this post can be as confusing as the patterns made by clouds in the sky. They are out of my control and it is all part of growing up and learning to love who you are as a person.
When I was fifteen I fell in love with my best friend. This was a big deal for me because I never really felt emotions like these before. The only thing is my best friend was a girl and it left me extremely confused about me as a person and what I wanted in the future. She was literally like a sister to me and there were times where I could not have survived the day without hearing her voice or knowing she was ok. In all honesty I don’t really know what we were. We shared a few kisses and looking back at that time of my life, we did act like a couple when we were at home and it was just the two of us. It was nice, she made me happy and hopefully I made her just as happy. When she passed away, I felt like I couldn’t handle life anymore. I felt like I lost the most important person to me, the person I could tell everything to, my sister. Looking back at the situation now, she was rather like my girlfriend. She knew all my secrets and I knew all of hers, we were there for each other day or night. Not only did I feel lost and probably in some respect depressed by feeling low and down in myself, it also brought a lot of questions. Questions that I haven’t really thought about until I recently became single in May this year and when I have had time to sit and think about who I am as a person. About a year and a half later, I had my first ‘real‘ relationship with a boy. At the time I thought that’s it I love this person and I want to be with this person for the rest of my life – you probably know the feeling yourself. You imagine having a family with them, your own house and essentially building a future with that person. I was with him for five years, on and off, until I realised just how toxic that relationship was for me. During our ‘off’ stages I was looking at other people, mainly girls and watched many YouTube couples like Rose and Rosie and Kaelyn and Lucy. Even when we sorted our differences out I still watched them, they made me feel happy and ‘normal‘. Even after this relationship came to an end, not long after I found myself in another relationship with a boy but still had questions about my sexuality however I never voiced them to anyone or said anything. I think it’s something that I needed to come to terms with myself before being able to talk to anyone else about it. I just wanted to be clear with myself and accept myself for who I am. I always imagined that I would be with a boy and have that kind of relationship.
As Sammy from Little Fickle explains “self acceptance is hard, and maybe it’s something that comes with time, or age” and I agree with that statement. Over the past couple of weeks I have been trying to love who I am as a person and in one respect, accept myself and who I am. I don’t want to be in another relationship where I feel as though something is missing. However that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I feel as though I am still coming to terms with the break up of my previous relationship which I think is fine, he was a big deal to me and made me feel as equally happy as how I was with Hannah, my best friend from earlier.
I have recently mentioned to one of my closest friends that I think I could be bisexual and honestly I don’t really know her opinion on this confession nor do I know whether she will remain my friend or not. For all I know she could just be thinking that this is a phase I am going through because I am feeling confused or wanting attention, which it really isn’t. I have had time to think about my sexuality and I have come to terms with myself that I am bisexual. I am attracted to boys and girls and in my opinion there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. Now that I have openly said it to someone, I feel as though I can be myself even though I feel like I am waiting for her to help me through this time of my life. If you are a Twitter follower of mine then you will probably have seen my recent tweets about feeling alone. Not only do I feel alone but I feel quite lost and hoping that I receive some sort of support about this situation soon because quite frankly I need a friend to help me get through this.
I am going to end this there and you are amazing if you have made it to the end of the post – apologies for how long it is! I really needed to get this off my chest. Oh and that packet of Oreo’s has now gone.
I would love to know your tips on coming to terms with sexuality. How have you dealt with self acceptance? Have you got any tips on feeling alone?