In all honesty I am in two minds whether to post this or not because: it is personal, I don’t want to be judged or to feel even more alone/rubbish about myself than I already am. As some of you may know, I have been off work sick since last Thursday. Considering this is a pretty new job, I am not happy about it but there is no way that I could have even got the metro let alone managed to work full time this week. I wanted to write this so anyone else who is going through this doesn’t feel alone but to also get it off my chest.
This should really be split into two separate parts. The first is my anxiety. It has taken a turn for the worst. As you know I went to the Urban Decay event the other week and I was fine. Then I got really bad. I didn’t feel myself and I knew that it was having an effect on me cause I didn’t feel upbeat or happy anymore. I felt nothing. The only time I truly felt happy was when I dragged myself to the Fireworks last weekend to get some fresh air in the hope to make me feel somewhat better. I’ve had three panic attacks this week and I am really struggling to calm myself down after them. The only things that seem to help is sleeping with my heated blanket on maximum so I can feel cosy, back massages from Edd (I’ll get onto the reason why in a minute) and
hot boiling hot baths with Sainsbury’s Sensitive Baby Bubble Bath. Now you definitely know there is something wrong when I am not up for using any Lush products.
The second part is my physical health. I have dealt with inflamed cartridge in my ribs and back for the majority of the year. After countless hospital visits, blood tests, medication including Vitamin D tablets, Iron tablets and strong painkillers, my doctors have finally decided to refer me to a specialist. The pain in my back right now is unreal! I have a chest infection as well which means when I have a panic attack the pain is worse and my asthma is really bad at the moment too. Talk about things coming in 3’s. I went to the hospital on Thursday because I was in so much agony and luckily they have said it wasn’t to sinister but I was sick all over the nurse and my dad which also lead to a panic attack.
Today, I have a meeting at work because I have been off too many times in such a short period. This is making me beyond anxious although I know what the outcome is going to be. I will probably lose my apprenticeship placement. Just another factor in why I have been feeling particularly down. I can completely understand where the employer is coming from as they need someone reliable and obviously with how I have been feeling, I’m not. That is a fact. But it leaves me questioning a whole load of things including: my apprenticeship/qualification, my finances, what is going to happen – all this is making me feel more anxious. I feel as though I have let Edd down. I have let my employer down. I have most definitely left myself down. I don’t know how to pick myself up. I don’t know how to be happy again. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I am worried and anxious.
I have made the first steps to working on CBT sessions again and I can hopefully see someone on a regular basis at college but it doesn’t stop the worrying or the anxiousness about the situation I have put myself in, whether this was intentional or not. I am not wanting sympathy from anyone. I am simply wanting to publish this for anyone else out there who wants to know that they aren’t alone. Anxiety can affect people in many different ways. Some can be physical and some are mental but in a way we are all in the same boat. We are all wanting to find strategies that suit one another so we can live the lives that we want. It’s clear that I am not feeling myself but I am trying, that is what I need to cling on to0.
I hope for anyone who thinks they are alone when it comes to anxiety and the affects it has on your lives that you understand there are always others out there for you to speak to.
Keep up to date with my latest posts by following me!